Day 162

Dotty

Black and white silk polka dot  dress with matching jacket

This is a cute little number, with a pretty drape in back, and a sweet little cropped jacket. I love how timeless this dress is, and even if I did not keep it, I believe that I know several friends that this would look great on.  That is an option I have been thinking about recently as well, maybe sharing the love with my closest girlfriends.  I would rather some things go to people I know, and that I know would love an appreciate them.  After my mom passed, I asked one of her closest friends, that was almost my mom's size, if she would want some of her suits.  They look so great on my mom's friend, and I am so happy that she has them, and know that my mom would have been happy about that as well.  My mother was very generous, it's a lovely trait to have.

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Day 161

Faux Show

Faux Emerald Solitaire

It takes moxie to really pull off a big ol' fake ring like this and not look silly.  The truth is, I am not sure any one would view a ring like this and think it was real, unless your last name is  "Taylor"  But my mom really loved things like this, and why would you not?  It really is just pure fun, and would make anyone feel glamorous, and in her defense, she had some pretty good fakes.  I am sure this would have been worn with something green (she loved green) I know I will wear it when I want to feel like queen for a day.

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Day 160

Birds of a feather

Vintage Silk Jersey Gown with Ostrich Feather cuffs

This is another amazing gown from the collection, I know it seems odd to photograph this in front of our dilapidated tool shed, but I actually like the juxtaposition.  This gown is so fun, and feels very silly to me, like something Phyllis Diller would have worn. Again, I have no idea where I would wear this, and yet, it is just too great to let go of.  This is I believe the definition of the term "an embarrassment of riches"  It seems so ungainly to complain about having all of these beautiful gowns, and yet, when there are too many to know what to do with, or how to store, it actually does become overwhelming.  That is why I believe this visual archive will be the best thing that I could do.  So that when it does become time to let go, I will still feel that I have some connection, and some way to remember.  

Ostrich cuff detail

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Day 159

The Bees Knees

Pale Blue Needlepoint flats

What does one say about pale blue needlepoint bee motif flats?  That they are AWESOME!  I may have accidentally left these in NY, but I'll be back for them, mark my words.

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Day 158

My compliments to the Chef

Mom's Chef Jacket

Yes, that's exactly what it looks like-my mom "brûlée-ing"  the top of one of her amazing homemade cheesecakes.  Of course my mother owned a brûlée torch, as do I.  Because if there was one thing my mother loved to do it was to cook, not only just to cook, but to create food that comforted, and delighted people.  She loved to open up her home and share a meal , and nothing delights and amazes quite as much as a fabulous desert.  Later on in her life, my mother became very involved in the slow food movement and became a charter member of the Southwest Florida chapter.  They were espousing what she had always taught me:  Use what is real, and the highest quality possible, (always Plugra butter NEVER margarine.)  Keep food simple and don't follow every fad.  Never underestimate the power of a roast chicken, and chocolate cake.  I feel very blessed to have inherited my mothers love of cooking, and I think of her every time I sit down to a meal with my family or friends.  In this post, I am wearing her chef's jacket, in her favorite color-chartreuse.  Even had flair when it came to wearing something simple like this.  I am proud to wear it.

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Day 157

Celadon and on…

Pale Green duchesse silk and chiffon evening gown

Rhinestone belt detail

Oh this gown is so beautiful.  After looking at the picture of the back of the gown closely, I saw that the collar is meant to be fastened, but I kind of like how it looks open. This is in the yes pile, but truly-when and where am I ever going to wear this?  I need to get to an awards show stat!

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Day 156

Floribunda

Silk Floral Halter dress

I'm pretty sure this jumpsuit may have been my grandmother's, as it pretty generous in the frontal area, or as I want to start calling it 'Cannery Row.'  My grandmother was an amazing woman, funny, loud, affectionate, and outspoken.  She was also what is called in yiddish "Zaftig."  I used to love to get caught in her arms and be on the receiving end of one of her "plunger kisses".  My grandmother has been a model for me of how I behave with my own children, and I tend to gravitate towards women like her (In fact, minus the boobs, she is my friend Sandy!)  My mother, had a different relationship with her, for many reasons, and that was not easy for either of them.  I know my mother loved my grandmother, but there was a complicated backstory that I did not learn until much later on in my life.  I don't believe that any mother daughter relationship is ever neat and clean and perfect.  And I know that there was indeed, tremendous love between them.  My mother cared for my grandmother until she passed away, and I believe that they sorted through all of their issues.  I will never forget my mom telling me, after she and I had had a tremendous fight, that fighting with her mother was one of her greatest regrets.  Recently, I was speaking to my youngest daughter about loving my mom, and she remarked "but you and Grandma used to fight"  And I said to her "It is one of my greatest regrets"  I know it's normal, and it happens.  But a piece of advice from someone that has lost both parents.  Try if you can to make your peace, in whatever way you can.  You will never regret it.  Time and distance and great loss, change people fundamentally at their core.  At least I know it has for me.  I look at people that fly off the handle about parking spaces, or perceived slights, or rumors, and I have to say, I don't have as much bandwidth to deal with that nonsense.  

I know this is overly dramatic, and sounds like Samuel L. Jackson's Pulp Fiction's speech, but truly I feel like I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, and I have come out the other side......I'm trying really hard to be the Sheppard.  Now with that being said, yes, the Trader Joe's parking lot can still make me cry, and I do care what people think of me, and I am not a perfect person.  But I care a lot less about the small stuff than I used to, and I think I have a pretty good sense of what is important.   Family, friends and love.  Giving and receiving love.  That's the good stuff... oh and plunger kisses.  

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Day 155

All suited up

Vintage Pucci Bathing suit

This is a vintage Pucci bathing suit, I am so surprised that it has any elastic left in it at all, and as my husband said "It has more panels than Real Time with Bill Maher"  Yep, that's true, but hey I am a sucker for an artfully placed panel.  This is in the maybe pile, it's still in good enough shape  to trot out for photos, but certainly not ready for la playa.  Maybe with a cute with a jacket and a cute pair of pants? 

Day 154

Palazzo Pant ensemble

Years apart!

I truly love it when I can find old photos of my mom wearing something that I still have.  I know I am in a weird stance, but I was trying to show that this is no ordinary gown, this is a two piece palazzo pant silk ensemble, that's right these are pants.  Note to readers: I could barely zip these pants!  My mom must have weighed all of 98lbs soaking wet!  Another note, check out that wig she is rocking….the cutest!

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Day 153

Terry Lilly

Terry Cloth Lilly Pullitzer Dress

Aaaahh, nothing says summer more than a visit to the beautiful Lawrence beach Club.  It truly is a magical place, and I will be very sad when the time comes to say goodbye to those visits.   But as my husband so sweetly said to me:  "then we will go make new memories, in new places"  I know he is right, but It will still be a bitter pill to swallow.  Maybe we will have one more summer, maybe not.  In the meantime, I will take each day as it comes.   

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Day 152

Best of times, worst of times…

32 year anniversary coin

This year we flew back to NY on July 23rd.  34 years to the day that my mother entered her final trip to rehab, the one that finally stuck.  I will never forget that day.  I am not going to go too deeply into the circumstances, because I believe it would hurt my mother.  She suffered so much regret about not being sober for the first 10 years of my life.  Now as a mother I truly understand her pain.  She was so deeply under the thumb of her addiction, which I also truly understand.  As a child it is hard not to think it is your fault, but there were bigger forces at work there.  Mom, I am so proud of that fact that you pulled yourself out of such a deep and painful hole, I feel so lucky for the many years we got to spend together with you sober.  I feel blessed that you survived on that day 34 years ago, I truly believe it was divine intervention.  I got to tell her this many times when she was alive, but it bears repeating. I have no regrets, I would not be the person I am today without going through the years of adversity.  And even in your darkest moments, I know you loved me. 

I am posting a photo below that is hard for me to look at sometimes, it was taken at the nadir of my mother's addiction, by her best friend Francis Cox.  We are both suffering in this photo, and I think only Francis could have captured this moment that clearly.  Mom is lost, and I am trying to reach her.

In direct contrast, the photo below was taken (also by Frances) about a year or so into my mothers sobriety.  Sadly, there is damage to this photo, but I think the eyes say it all.

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Day 151

Wedded bliss

Mom's vintage Gay Boyer giraffe belt buckle

My apologies, because chronologically, this is one day out of order.  This is the outfit that I wore to to my sweet friend, Lizzy's wedding.  I have known her since she was a little girl, but the older she gets, the smaller the age gap gets.  I met Lizzy and her brother Alex because our mothers' great friendship, but as time marches on, we take over our own mantle of friendship.  I have been to many weddings-but this one was incredibly special, for so many reasons: namely, it was a gathering of some of my favorite people in the world, and clearly a wedding of two people that are absolutely perfect for each other.  That spirit was omnipresent in this storybook affair.  I thought about wearing a vintage dress, but decided against it in the end, because if there is one thing I LOVE about a wedding is dancing.  And devil be damned, I was not going to worry about tearing a seam. or ripping a chiffon overdress.  So I opted for a simple, yet pretty limited edition liberty print gown (for shhhh......Target!) embellished with one of my mom's fantastic animal belt buckles.  The one I chose was two giraffes, neck and neck on a linen belt strip.  She would have loved it.  My mom would have loved this wedding for so many reasons, and I felt so honored to be there.  Mom, I promise, i sent everyone love from you, and that I felt you right there by my side.

Day 150...

Unveiling the cannon

Emerald green silk and velvet embroidered beaded evening gown.

This evening gown begins the archival process of documenting the cannon of inherited clothing, housewares and accesories that my husband and I photographed at my family's home in Lawrence Long Island over our summer vacation. This gown falls into the category of clothing that was passed onto my mother from her mother, and may very well have even been my great Aunt's.  Many of the gowns that are still in NY were passed on to my mother, and were most definitely hard for her to let go of due to their exquisite detailing and materials.  This gown is in extraordinary shape.  It is made from an emerald green velvet embroidered top with a heavy duty silk skirt.  One of the main criteria I have for saving these inherited items, is to make sure that not only are they beautiful, but that they can also stand the test of time.  This gown has check marks in both those columns.

Day 149...

"Lets get ready to rumble!......"  Michael Buffer champion boxing ring announcer

Vintage solid brass belt

This belt is truly amazing.  It is solid brass, has a total of nine pieces, and is engraved with the single initial "C" for Carole, my mothers first name.  This is such a large scale, heavy duty belt, and I have always felt as such, it would have be worn with a cocktail dress or some other semi formal outfit as the ultimate accessory.   But then recently,  pouring through some old family photos, I find a picture of my mom, wearing the very same belt in the fall of 1971 (I was 3 at that time) with a white button down and a pair of lavender linen pants on the Bahamian Island of Cat Cay.  Wearing it like "what? this old thing?  I wear this to the market.."  Which now in retrospect, she may have.  She was really self assured when it came to fashion.  She was never afraid to stand out, to wear a statement piece.  When I was undecided wether or not to break out this belt  for the rehearsal dinner of our dear family friends, daughter, I emailed them both for quick approval. The answer was a resounding yes.  Thanks mom, for being "attached at the hip" with me that night, it was so nice to feel you there. xoxo

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Day 148

Home is where the heart is

Mom and Dad

Today I want to talk about blessings.  In my life I have been fortunate enough to have had not one, but two incredible fathers.  My father Ken, and my stepfather Mike.  My mom and Mike met when I was 12 years old, not long after we moved to New York.  Mom and Mike were a wonderful couple, and when they finally married, many years later, I was so incredibly happy.  Mike would always, (and still does) Introduce me as his daughter.  I have always been deeply touched by that. And as the years passed, I began calling him Dad.  I love him dearly, and when we go back to visit him in Long Island or Sanibel Florida, my children only know him as "Grampy."  The house that my Mom and Mike shared in Long Island has always felt like home to me.  And when we visit now, I must say that it is bittersweet.  It feels so different without my mom, and yet it still feels like home to me.  I know that this house is not where my stepfather wants to ultimately be and so I am faced with the specter that this will no longer be a place for me to come and share with my family.  

The things I love about this house are exactly what my mother loved.  It is is an old home, situated within walking distance to a beautiful inter-coastal waterway, surrounded by audoban protected marshes, across the street from a perfect field for soccer, fireflies, fairy tea parties and 5 minutes from the most beautiful beach on Long Island.  But there is one new addition that was not there when my mother was alive, a new gate.  A gate that my mother's dear friend Hanne  had put up as a memorial to my mom.  A beautiful, simple, circle gate placed directly across from our house at the entrance to the field.  There are many things that circles can mean to people but I believe that this one is perfectly symbolic of the circle of life.  I actually believe that if we no longer have this home to return to, it will probably be this gate that I will miss the most, this sweet, thoughtful tribute to my mom.  My mother did not wish to be buried, she actually wanted her ashes spread over the sea in California.  She did not like cemeteries, so this gate, this is her tribute, this is where I will visit.

Mom's Gate

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Day 147...

Oh man...

"god is in the details" - Ludwig Mies van der Rohe

I know this is the second kitchen post in a row, but as we near completion, I feel that I really want to share the details.  Both good and bad.  If my mom was around I know she would have used one term to describe the kitchen.  I believe she would have called it a "jewel box" That was often how we referred to small spaces that paid attention to detail. With this remodel, I made a choice not to break through my dining room wall to make one large kitchen/dining space.  In doing that, I bucked the current trend of the open "Great Space" and opted to stay with my kitchen's original foot print, but to make it far more efficient, with better cabinetry, and shelving. In making the decision to stay with the same footprint, I also felt that it was important to incorporate some of the original molding details in the adjacent rooms.  that would have gone swimmingly, however, the moldings that were made for this house in 1936, are apparently not flying off the shelves these days, so in a fit of saying yes to everything to speed up the process, I quickly glanced at a crown molding that in a 4" segment looked just fine...ya, not so good in 50 lineal ft.  Here's the boring part, when you mitre a molding at 45 degrees, (unless it it super simple), it gets pretty bold, honestly, it was such a minute curve that I did not like, but it changed the whole profile. So on one fateful friday afternoon, I became my one worst client, and asked my very amenable and talented cabinet maker to demo all of the installed crown molding and find something less fussy.  You would think that as a designer, I would not make simple mistakes like that, but lo and behold, I did.  But in a jewel box, all the little details matter.  I thought my husband would be furious at me, and say it was not even noticeable, but god bless him, he felt the same way, and gave me his blessing to replace what had been installed.  Will post more pics soon, and to paraphrase the great Ludwig Mies van der Rohe, God surely is in the details.

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Day 146

"How do I love thee"

Possible slabs

Installed

There are many ways for a husband to express his love for his wife: flowers, cards, jewelry, or endless weekends spent with cranky children in tow at stone yards deep in North Hollywood.  That my friends is true love.  This kitchen has been many things but at it's core, it's a refuge for spending time with family and friends, sharing the recipes that my mother has given to me and that I hope in turn, to pass along to my children.  As I've mentioned before, with each decision I made, I wish I could have shared them with my mother as I know she would have shared my delight in the attention to all the details that really resonate with a cook.  My husband, graciously, stood by as I pained over what seemed to him to be minute differences in the tone of our countertops. (yes, those really are 8 different slabs.) But in the end, he was always supportive, and not afraid to poke fun at me. But as you can see from the pictures here, I think the counters turned out pretty damn well.  I know my mother would have felt the same way.

Day 145...

Wanna buy a watch?

I want to start this post by saying, this has been a much needed break, but that I am also ready  and thankful, to be back. Ready to be picking up the archive again.  My time in New York was filled with so many emotions.  The joy of being at a dear friend's wedding, of connecting with close friends and family, and of course, diving into the well of my mother's possessions.  There was a very visceral reaction for me to be in her home and surrounded by the belongings she loved so much.  The quality of light, the smells, the feel of the air, they are all so deeply evocative, and so, when I found myself faced with the task of sorting through clothing, photos, and ephemera, it was almost a given that at some point I would probably hit critical mass.  And then I did, I simply hit a wall.  I missed her so deeply, and felt that maybe I couldn't even continue to go on with this journey.  I was so sad and also burdened by the the fact that I had fallen behind in my daily posts.  I pretty much gave myself a pass to just give up on it if I wanted to...and then I took a moment,  and did something that my mother was actually SO much better than me at doing.  I allowed my self to take a break.  to rest up, to recharge, to really pause and reflect on this whole process.  I think it was probably the greatest thing that I could have done, because now I am ready to dive back in, to share the stories, to create the touchstone for her granddaughters, to keep our dialogue alive.  To celebrate, ruminate, communicate and document.  To remember while the mind still allows. It's good to be back.

A bevy of faux timepieces

So the irony in this picture, is that I probably purchased most of these for my mom.  For many years, this was in the wheelhouse of what I could afford to give her as a gift. Many of them are from Canal St. in NY or from Sante Alley in LA.  These were the kind of things my mom loved.  A nice looking faux timepiece that would jazz up an outfit without breaking the bank.  I have talked a bit about how if anyone could rock a knockoff, it would be my mom.  What I find interesting is that all of these had completely stopped working, and honestly, none are worth repairing, yet, they they all were.  All that was missing was a trench coat to pin them to to make a goofy throwback Halloween costume....Hey wait, maybe that would be cool?  

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Choices

On my last post, I spoke candidly about taking a break and re-charging, re-upping etc. and in the days since then I have been doggedly photographing as many items as I could in order to have abundant material to continue this archive, and to be able to keep an open dialogue about the process that I am going through. About what it means to have all this "stuff" and how to deal with it. That has been a major arc in this project, that, and the fact that I wanted to create a tome that would carry my mothers memory into my daughter's consciousness.  

Tonight I hit an unexpected bump in the road. Up until now, I have been for the most part, dealing with all the "good stuff" the things that made their way into my home either long before or right after my moms passing. On this trip however, I have been confronted by a much larger cannon.  All that was left behind.  Either because I felt it was too much too deal with at the time, or not important enough.  Well here's something interesting that happens when you go back to a dearly loved deceased parents house and make it a marathon to have yourself photographed in as many of their things as humanly possible for posterity- you will eventually lose your mind. It can come in a few different ways, when you realize that there is no way you can keep it all, and your heart breaks because now you have to part with the beautiful dress she wore to your wedding that will never fit you, or the fact that you finally have to unpack that suitcase she took to the hospital for the last time, and see the hopefulness in its contents, that she did not pack for the end, that she thought she was coming home. And how you so desperately wish she had.

How the clothes in her house still smell like her, and how being home without her will never feel like home again, now that she is not here.  At the moment, I feel no joy in these clothes, I feel like I want to curl up inside them and will her back. I miss her with every cell of my body, and I am so angry she left me with this load. I know I am just tired, and I hope tommorow I will feel a different way, but tonight, I feel like I am in the first days of mourning again.  How did I get back to this?

Mom, if you are near please send me a sign. Please help me figure out what to do with all of this. Please tell me you love me know matter what I decide. Please let me feel your love one more time. Tonight I am not the strong mom, or wife or daughter.  I am your sad little girl, and I miss you and need you. 

Maybe rack

Pardon the interruption...

I apologize for the unscheduled hiatus in posting, even the most commited archivists need a minute to re-group, re-up and re-stock the coffers. Visiting my mom's house in NY has been very bittersweet. Even though I have cleared so many of her belongings over the past year and a half, there are still so many special things of hers here. I saved all of the pieces I was not ready to part with at the time. I am actually so glad I did that, because as much as it can be overwhelming to deal with it all, I don't think I could have handled walking into her house with nothing of hers left in it. 

So thank you for the patience, I promise it will be worth the wait, and that I will keep my 365 day promise. 

xo